Okay, so really not how I wanted to start this blog, but Nathan and I were talking about something tonight that I really felt like I needed to write down.
Tonight the topic of us both having OCD got brought up. Nathan's OCD manifests in a pretty typical way, for what you may normally think of for OCD. Examples: having the volume on certain numbers. Turning the water on and off 'x' amount of times after washing his hands. He even has a certain noise he makes twice at the beginning of every phone call.
My OCD came in the way of intrusive thoughts. I didn't even know they had a name, until many years later, after the birth of my 4th child.
I've had 5 pregnancies, with 4 live births. Only one of them were healthy live births, but they all came home with me and life happy healthy lives with Nathan and I currently.
Right after Kailyn was born (2008) I really felt like I was being more emotional than usual. I chocked it up to 'the baby blues' and nothing more.
As time went on, it got more intense. Kailyn was born in the middle of flu season. So I got lots of 'advice-for-the-first-time-mom'.
But when they would say 'make sure you wash your hands before you feed her ' I thought 'putting your hand on your brest to feed her is going to give her the flu. And she's going to end up in the hospital and die. '
I can't tell you why my mind went to such extremes. But it did. I ended up labeled as agoraphobic( basically, afraid to leave your house) long before I ended up diagnosed with OCD onset by PPD.
By the time kailyn was a few months old, I couldn't leave my neighborhood (which basically consisted of me, my mom, and my neighbor that had a triple wide trailer at the top of our long driveway.
Sometimes I'd even put her in my lap top drive the quarter of a mile from the neighbors yard to ours. I was fine on my property.
But once I got out onto the roads? Damn near every turn I took, in my head all o could see was my back door coming open for some reason. And even though i KNEW i had kailyns carseat installed correctly, I saw that little pink car seat tumbling out the door, and into traffic. I'll spare you the rest of the details, but needless to say, she never survived.
Even though I reality, I'm a cautious driver. And have never had anything close to this ever happening. (Though i did hit a deer once. But that's another trauma for another story. )
As kailyn got older, the fear changed. I no longer feared her getting hurt while in her infant seat. This was a whole new fear.
At this point, my mind had begun making me afraid to take kailyn outside.
She was starting to toddle around, but still mostly crawling. Literally no way she could get more than 9 inches from me before I noticed.
But in my head, when I thought of taking her outside, she always managed to get away from me. To find her way into traffic.
Every. Time.
once again, I'll spare you the details
of the rest of that thought.
The older she got, the fear just changed. It was damn near debilitating.
Wanting to take your daughter on a walk to the park.... But your brain showing you visions of vehicles jumping the curb and killing your child? Every time? It's a lot. It's more than just worry.
I got pregnant with my second... And my third... things we're great. Healthy pregnancies. Mostly healthy babies. Live was good.
Then my 4th, Lucas, was born.
These horrible thoughts came back. I was once again diagnosed with agoraphobia (still no PPD diagnosis at this point). Because I refused to leave my house with Lucas. And if I had no other choice, absolutely NO ONE, not even Nathan, was allowed to take him outside (or stand up while holding him at all, let alone on the concrete driveway!). Because even though no one has ever dropped any of my babies, if anyone stood up while holding Lucas, my mind showed me in vivid detail, what it would look like when they dropped him. including the sounds of his bones snapping.
And the thought of someone holding him while walking to the car? Over the concrete driveway? .... once again. I'll spare you the details.
I don't really know how to close this. Kailyn is now a happy, healthy, 12 year old.
And Lucas is a loving, sweet, 4 year old.
But if it hadn't been for the doctor who finally diagnosed me with PPD OCD, I don't know that I ever would have found relief from those horrible, intrusive thoughts.
